She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
