She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
