a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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