I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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