I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
50% drunk capacity currently
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Congratulations! We have a period
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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