I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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