just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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