Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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