It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
