He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize