How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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