I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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