Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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