I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Come on in and take your pants off
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
