went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
