i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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