I wish my penis had an off switch
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
