So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
