I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
