i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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