I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
