Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They took my balls.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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