Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
