My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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