i barfeds in our rink
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
