How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
