You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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