i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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