On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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