just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
