they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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