did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
