If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
