I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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