life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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