I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
