You smell like stripper and shame
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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