I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
false alarm, still single
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
