Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
