dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
