i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
