My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also, beer. Big fan.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize