First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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