i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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