I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
