just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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