so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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