my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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