i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
