eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
