wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
