Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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