She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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