if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize