What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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